When children engage in sex play
Children often talk about—and sometimes act out—what they have seen or heard. One teacher tells of a child who was taken to an R-rated movie and then came to school reenacting scenes from that movie. The child’s friends reported to the teacher that the girl was “getting sexy,” when in fact the child was replaying what she had seen.
Young children regularly try to make sense of their world by dramatizing what they see and experience. It is their attempt to figure out where these observations fit in their expanding idea of the world.

What to do: Exploratory or curious sexual play is most common among preschoolers who are the same age and familiar with one another. It is not child abuse when the two are equally matched in size, age, and ability.
If a child dramatizes or uses pretend play with another child that is sexual in nature and content, try not to overreact. Address the act as calmly as you would if they spilled paint. The child most certainly will not have the same feelings and thoughts about the act as an adult would have. Exploratory or curious play does not necessarily lead to precocious sexual behavior as the child gets older. It is related to the child’s developmental stage. Curiosity usually diminishes with age, especially when a child’s questions have been answered openly and honestly.
The teacher can address curious play by talking to the children involved. If they have taken off their clothes, make a mental note to provide closer supervision. You might say in a matter-of-fact tone: “We wear our clothes at school” or “We take our clothes off when we take a bath.”
Talk to parents about these occurrences and let them know how you handled the behaviors. Tell them how much you value their child’s emotional well-being and consider this as much a part of your job as teaching other developmental skills. Also, provide information to parents about how television shows and movies with adult themes may lead to curious play.
Curious play becomes harmful when it happens between children who are not the same age and the older child is dominating or leading the younger one. Or a child is the same age but not matched physically, emotionally, or socially. Play is not typical if either child is unable to stop or get out of an uncomfortable situation. These behaviors may need additional adult intervention and discussion.

When children use toilet language
Between the third and fourth birthdays, children may begin using toilet language or socially unacceptable words. Often, children are imitating the conversation or exclamations of older siblings or adults.
Children seem to be all the more fascinated with language related to the body and private parts when special meanings are attached. Even words such as “underwear” can evoke embarrassing squeals and giggles from young children. For instance, in the book Froggy Gets Dressed, one group of 4-year-olds yelled with laughter—even after they heard the story many times—every time the mama frog told Froggy that he forgot his underwear.
What to do: Sometimes children use potty language to get a reaction from you or other children in the class, and from parents or siblings. Usually when tattling occurs right after the potty language, the act of tattling encourages the child to use inappropriate language again. The immediate attention provides instant gratification.
Try not to provide extra attention. To the tattler, say, “We don’t use those words in school.” To the child using the foul language, say, “Let’s think of some other words to describe what you feel” or “Let’s think of a word to use instead of that one.”
The regular use of foul language may be a cue for the teacher that the child needs more positive attention. Offer positive attention at times when the child chooses not to use foul language. For example: “Wow! Angie bumped your bike and you managed to stay on the track and keep riding!”
In some instances, the child may say that his dad or mom uses the word at home. Without discounting the parent, assure the child that school words are sometimes different than words we hear in movies, on TV, or even from our family members.

Self-exploration and masturbation
Self-exploring or self-pleasuring by young children is often the most difficult behavior for parents and teachers to understand. Even though studies have shown that this behavior is normal, societal norms seem to say just the opposite. Parents and teachers alike often find it difficult to address, let alone accept.
The most common times in which children engage in this behavior is nap time and quiet periods such as story time on the group-time rug. Children who have often used this action to soothe themselves find it hard to understand what all the fuss is about.

What to do: Remember that our goal is to build or maintain the child’s self-esteem and to send positive messages about the child’s own body. Remain cool, calm, and collected. You might turn the child to lie stomach down, and gently rub the child’s back. Or you might offer the child a comfort object such as a teddy bear, a pillow, or blanket. In most cases, this behavior will disappear without comment from you as the child learns other ways to relax and feel comforted.
Again, young children do not have the mental or cognitive abilities to know the same sense of sexual pleasure that is found in an adult relationship. This behavior is not a direct indication that the child will engage in premature sexual behavior or is being sexually abused.
It is challenging to address this behavior when the parents’ social customs and values are contrary to yours or to the principles of the anti-bias curriculum. The most appropriate responses will preserve children’s self-esteem, help them continue to feel good about themselves, and engage parents in an open dialogue based on real information.
Maintaining the health and well-being of every child in our care is important in dealing with explorations of their sexuality. Children so often act and do based upon what they have experienced and by their own natural curiosities about the world around them. We can help them to better understand their world by using common sense combined with sound practices based on early child development research.

Resources
Derman-Sparks, Louise and the A.B.C. Task Force. Anti-Bias Curriculum: Tools for Empowering Young Children. Washington, D.C.: National Association for the Education of Young Children, 1988.
Brenner, Barbara. Bodies. New York: Dutton, 1973.
London, Jonathan. Froggy Gets Dressed. New York: Viking, 1992.
Waxman, Stephanie. What Is A Girl? What Is A Boy? New York: Crowell, 1989.

Anatomically correct dolls
Constructive Playthings, 1-800-448-4115 or www.cptoys.com
Discount School Supply, 1-800-607-4410 or www.earlychildhood.com
Kaplan Inc., 1-800-334-2014 or www.kaplan.com

About the author
Karen Petty, Ph.D. is an assistant professor of family sciences at Texas Woman’s University in Denton, Texas.